Five Things to Root For in the Champions League Final

—An earthquake.

—UEFA has the foresight to hire a panel of Chinese and Romanian judges to decide the diving competition between Didier Drogba and Cristiano Ronaldo.

—Petr Cech takes the field in a full suit of Medieval armor.

—Roman Abramovich starts a money-throwing fight with the entire Glazer family and buries them alive in Euros.

—The inevitable Wayne Rooney red card.

Beyond that, I can think of nothing else. Signed—

—Bitter as a rural Pennsylvanian:

XIDEVILS.

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About zachdundas

Freelance journalist. Author of The Renegade Sportsman (Riverhead Books). Thank you.
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4 Responses to Five Things to Root For in the Champions League Final

  1. Lucas says:

    But you’ll still be watching, right?

  2. Zach Dundas says:

    The Editorial We remain undecided. I foresee a grim battle not unlike Stalingrad, and not just insofar as it will be in Russia. Two exhausted sides, one of which will be absolutely desperate to secure a title, any title, the other of which will be desperate not to lose face against the club in just vanquished in the league: doesn’t exactly portent a freewheeling festival of the art of football, does it.

  3. Lucas says:

    doesn’t exactly portent a freewheeling festival of the art of football, does it.Isn’t that what everyone said about the Chelsea v Liverpool semifinal? I didn’t see it, but from all accounts it was a pretty thrilling encounter (esp the 2nd leg in London, Super Fat Frankie’s heroics etc).

  4. Zach Dundas says:

    Obviously, the prospect of this final has completely undermined my typing ability.And, no—of course, there’s no reason this couldn’t be a classic, and in the end I will probably be compelled to watch. It’s like Ali v. Frazier or something.

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