Pinker than Palermo’s Home Strip

At last, a real idea for affecting progressive social change within football. Enough of the milquetoast official “Let’s Kick INSERT REACTIONARY TENDENCY Out of Football” campaigns. Time for real action. The Grauniad’s Steven Wells—always worth a lookie—hits on the brilliant idea of just assuming all pro ‘ballers “have it in for each other,” if you see what I’m saying. This move, if undertaken by a working majority of fans, would simultaneously eliminate homophobia within the game and set up all kinds of hilarious scenarios involving pricey designer man-bags and spa treatments. Was I the only one who noticed that, during last week’s Barcelona v. Man Utd match, only the players’ aestheticians seemed to on their game? I have never seen a finer collection of sculptured eyebrows.

Strangely, Guardian readers do not appear to be reacting favo(u)rably to S. Wells’ insight, to judge by the comment box.

P.S.: Wells quotes an ex-Juve paper-pusher to this effect: “There are no gays in football … a homosexual cannot do the job of a footballer.” Interesting. I would like to introduce this gentleman to the goalkeeper for my Albina Going Unicorns. Dangerous Dave could bury the man just inside the penalty area without hesitation—on a clean play, mind you—before offering him a ten-percent discount on his next hair dye.


About zachdundas

Freelance journalist. Author of The Renegade Sportsman (Riverhead Books). Thank you.
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3 Responses to Pinker than Palermo’s Home Strip

  1. muddjc says:

    There is a certain metro/euro/homo-erotic cast to the soccer scene. Indeed, as a heterosexual soccer fan I will readily admit my man-crush on the best footballer ever, Zinadine Zidane, who justifiably bludgeoned Marco Materazzi with every ounce of his beautifully egg-shaped Algerian cranium. But it’s precisely the grit of a Zidane, or the thuggishness of a Wayne Rooney, or the sheer quasimodo freakishness of Frank Ribery that is attractive in soccer stars not the thin headbands, manicured brows and well-conditioned locks of the Latin players. C’mon. Message to Christiano Ronaldo: you are a great futbol player, but please retire and become the underwear model you truly are! Even my wife hates your antics on the pitch, but she’d love to see you in the pages of Glamour.

  2. muddjc says:

    Admit it Zach, you want to have Steven Gerrard’s babies. I here such things are possible in the greater Portland area.[Strangely, the word verification for this post was ‘srtebik.’ I’m pretty sure that means ‘lovechild’ in Russian, no?]

  3. Zach Dundas says:

    After watching Liverpool’s exit from the Champions League moments ago, I think it’s more likely that Rafa Benitez will be on the marriage market soon. His powers of seduction have failed.

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