Of course, the strange wave of burglaries perpetrated against Liverpool players’ trophy homes while they’re off playing games is NO LAUGHING MATTER. But isn’t there something just a little comic, in that Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels way, about the whole affair? You just know that the Scouser thugs (Everton fans?) who came up with the scheme think of themselves as criminal geniuses of Howard Marks calibre, while the police investigators are doing their best combination of Sherlock Holmes and Keystone Kops. Most recently, Stevie Gerrard’s manor got hit while he was taking down O. Marseille. After-action reports yielded this gem for the annals of criminal justice:
“Yesterday an officer stood guard outside while his colleagues carried out forensic examinations which were focused on muddy footprints left by the gang.”
‘Struth, Jonesie—look! Cor’blimey, it’s a clew!